So ...
My sleep cycle is fucked up beyond belief - again. It is raining and there is a beautiful thunderstorm outside, I am sitting here at 0310 in front of my laptop happily typing away and listening to the thunder and Tineoidea (an excellent conceptual album by a not-so-obscure-any-more German Goth band called Samsas Traum - if you care, look them up. The bandleader has evolved into a jerk over the years, but I still love their older stuff).
I ordered "The Ethical Slut", something I meant to do for years ever since I read about it in an article somewhere on teh internetz. I have no idea if I am actually a poly person or just scared on missing out on something if I settle with only one person. Could be both. Fact is, open (or rather potentially open) relationships have played quite a big role in my love life so far, and now that the earth has settled on the grave of my previous one, I feel ready to explore this way of life/way of loving on my own terms.
I have always felt kind of attracted to a life in the fashion of Anais Nin or [I can't remember their names for the love of whateverisholy] - multiple lovers, with each of whom you have an unique relationship. Not casual sex, I think, rather a system of people I really feel attracted to, that enrich my life in various ways - and vice versa. I need to build trust and get to know people before I can jump their bones.
I am quite an open person and I like to think of myself as giving or generous with my affection.
If there is someone I want to hold or hug or kiss, or if there is someone that makes me swoon with his words (I tend to crush on verbose people. A lot. It is not even funny any more.), I want to be able to act upon whatever fancy it is that strikes me. I would feel bad for any person that I am supposed to be exclusive with, and I would feel bad for myself if I had to hold myself back.
On the other hand, if I would have an actual poly or open relationship, I think even if I knew that I was allowed to make out (or more) with people other that my significant other (what a dumb word, as if there could be only one significant person at a time in one's life), I would be consumed by guilt.
One question I tend to ask myself over and over - where does cheating begin? There is, for example, one guy in my life that shares my language fetish in a way I have never encountered before. Not only is he really verbose, he also is obsessed with foreign languages. Also, he is the first person I meet that can appreciate little gems like the fact that there is a Czech verb (utopít) that sounds almost like "utopia" - yet means "to drown".
Talking to him is like sex for my brain. It is awesome, entwining thoughts and exchanging poetry or just plain stupid jokes creates a stream of consciousness that is like an endless session of really wonderful kisses.
I think I don't want to get physical with him, so to say, other than friendly gestures like a hug or a cuddle or a pat on the head. But still (maybe because I know that he seems to be in love with me in a certain way) I would feel like cheating on my partner, if I were in a monogamous relationship with someone else. Even though it's not "technically" cheating. What do you think, where does cheating start? Where does sex start?
I have spent years and years feeling incredibly hideous and undesirable, and similarly scared of men. It has been only lately that I learned that not only I am not repulsive, but that there are actually people out there who are CHARMED by that overly curvy (that sounds weird) slightly psychopathic (I love to joke about blood and gore and all things not PC) nerdy language-infatuated long-haired over-analytical Gothy writer womangirl with the autistic sense of humour that I have turned out to be. Also, I tend to get romance all wrong.
It intoxicates me. I get high on being liked and loved and admired. I am not used to it and I hope I will never be.
It is just the greatest thing in the world to notice that you don't need to be someone else to be wonderful. Because I tried and I sucked at it.
OK, enough of my narcissism here.
The main reason why I have been thinking about all this a lot is - as it says up there - that I am in love. Not the "I want your babies and I want to put a ring on your finger and I want to wake up next to you and cage you FOREVER" kind of love.
More like the "You make LRP props and the sides of your head are shaved and you are tattooed and have wonderful long hair, and you kissed me until my head was full of swirlyness and you make my kind of jokes and listen to my music and held a foam knife to my throat while we made out because it just fitted - and I WANT TO JUMP YOU and talk to you forever (if forever is like one long day that never ends until I want it to because I need a break sometimes, dude)" kind.
I met him at a Fallout inspired LRP event the morning before the game started. We connected more or less instantly and I wanted to kiss him even then, but I didn't dare. Even though we swapped a shoulder rub against a hand massage, and it was rather obvious that he was interested in me.
Three days later at the Party To End All Parties (or, more accurate, the end of the convention) we met again, danced a little, talked a lot, shared some liquor and bummed cigarettes off each other. And flirted like the dorks both of us are at heart, until we ended up spending what was left of the night kissing and making out on a chest that once contained cruise missiles.
I left with a silly grin that evening, and I have not been able to wipe it off my face ever since. We started chatting a few days later, and he will come to visit in about ten days.
I still am scared. And I still want to jump him, even though I have next to no experience. It is nice, though, that by now I allow myself to think about what I want to do to him and what I want him to do to me. Fantasizing about people is .... mmmmm, no comment.
The most awesome thing is that he confessed he is a "goddamn coward without alcohol", which means that I get to battle my insecurity and make a move on him instead of the other way round :)
I want to be the one that kisses him first when he comes to visit, instead of him initiating it.
